Understanding Hyperemesis Gravidarum; Beyond Morning Sickness.

There aren't really any words that can fully describe the impact and feeling of Hyperemesis Gravidarum but if you have been there, in those deep, dark, cruel trenches then you will know that it is an experience that never, ever leaves you.

I had never heard of HG when I was pregnant with my first baby and as I had no other pregnancy to compare it to, I was fully convinced that the sickness and crippling nausea were all part of a normal pregnancy and I needed to pull on my big girl pants and get on with it. I said nothing. We muddled through, changing so many parts of our lives to try and ease the discomfort I was in.

7 years later I fell pregnant with my second baby and I knew after just 2 weeks that i was pregnant because the nausea hit me like a tonne of bricks. From the very beginning to the final few minutes before giving birth, HG took hold of me and gave me no break for the full 9 months. I had zero energy to even wash, get dressed, even brushing my hair hurt some days so getting out of the house was always a scary thought however being indoors, I felt like a prisoner in my own home- almost allergic to the air in my own house. I couldn't walk through my own kitchen without being sick and didn't physically open the fridge for the whole pregnancy. This meant that if my family weren't home, I didn't eat or drink as I couldn't face the kitchen. It wasn't just eating or smells that would make me sick, even looking at food on television adverts and even the sound of certain words being said such as, "oozing" or "drizzled with" could cause me to be sick. I couldn't stand the smell of clean clothes so all of our washing had to be washed in a different way and even the sensation of clothing touching my skin became too much, almost painful. When I wasn't being physically sick, I would be heaving or retching until there was nothing

left in my body and my muscles would ache. All of that was accompanied by the constant undercurrent of intense nausea. Morning, noon and night. Not being able to keep down 95% of foods meant that I persistently had little to no energy and day to day routine was impossible. I would feel myself falling asleep at work, driving became dangerous and I had an accident in the car being sick whilst driving, I couldn't make meals for my family, I hated that I had become such a burden to everyone. HG meant that I gradually backed away from any kind of socialising, anything that went on after 5pm was a complete no-go and things that I'd always known would make me feel better such as walking and fresh air were no longer an option as I had no energy and fresh air no longer smelt fresh. Failing to function and take care of my family took its toll on us all and made me feel like a total failure. I felt my body was letting me down, letting my family down, my baby down. I felt guilty for being useless and would spend most of my time feeling that if I started crying, I would never stop. After being backed into a headspace of just being dramatic and pathetic, I tried to shelter those around me from how my emotions were tormenting me as I didn't want to drag people down with me. Although I knew pregnancy only lasted 9 months, I couldn't see an end point to this hell.

I spoke to my midwives, GPs and various staff at MAU during my regular visits due to worries around blood pressure and dehydration but until one GP passively referred to me having HG as though I should already know, I'd never felt validated or even knew this was a real condition, nobody had ever talked to me about this being a " thing". I spoke about feeling down, tired, hopeless as well as the physical symptoms being obvious and was often met with the generic, usual advice about trying herbal remedies and to " rest ". All I did was rest and yet I still felt dead on my feet. Once I was begrudgingly prescribed anti sickness meds, I was made to feel like I was being dramatic and actually this was just a bit of morning sickness and that I was exaggerating. I was also told when these meds were not effective and I went back to ask for a change that these drugs were risky to my baby. I felt judged, as though I was being self-centred and putting my own needs before my baby's.

As months passed, my mental health deteriorated more and more and I felt less and less fit to be a mum. I lost all faith in myself and questioned every decision I made in my life. I felt guilt for almost everything and amongst all of this was the overriding voice telling me I was incompetent, melodramatic and selfish.

After being hospitalised with dehydration, all I could think about on my own in the hospital bed was how selfish I was to be doing this, if I died, I would be leaving behind my older baby. That was it, I was going to die. I spoke to the nurse on the ward about the guilt I was feeling and to my midwife who both told me it was "normal" to feel guilty about the changes a second baby might bring for your first one.

As my self confidence and belief drained away from me accompanied by the physical state my body was in (on a diet of dry crackers, cereal and ice lollies that would often also be thrown up) I convinced myself that I wouldn't be able to birth my baby. I had been classed as a high risk pregnancy due to a slightly higher BMI but when I begged full of embarrassment and hopelessness for a C section, I was told I didn't need it. " You've done it once you can do it again" seemed to be health

professionals favourite catch phrase. I was referred to the hospital to speak to a consultant about a C section but it very much felt like a "telling off" for even considering this when there was nothing really wrong with me, as though I was lazy. It seemed the consultant's job was to talk me out of it rather than listen to why i had requested it. So although a high risk pathway could be followed due to a raised BMI, my rock bottom mental health was not classed as high risk. I had no faith in my body or mind at this point to give birth to my baby and professionals wouldn't help me with an assisted delivery so that was that- in my head, I was going to die. That thought tortured me even after giving birth to my baby and the long lasting damage of not feeling capable or good enough for my children is something I am still dealing with today. I felt frightened to bring my baby home as I didn't feel I was good enough or strong enough to care for her.

I reflect on my journey now and think back to all of the opportunities that professionals had to delve a little deeper into why I was feeling down, why I felt so helpless, why I was asking for a C section but instead I was met with generic pregnancy advice that felt robotic, often a lack of empathy and sadly at times, shame. Shame for asking for a section and anti sickness meds and wanting the easy way out.

The first few months after birth I could feel that my parenting was being stunted by my own lack of faith in myself and I was convinced that my baby didn't love me at all. That she somehow knew that I hadn't looked after her properly during pregnancy and now she knew I wasn't a good mum. I felt that both my girls deserved better and this feeling flowed out into my other relationships. I felt I was letting everyone down around me, causing them inconvenience. I wasn't a fun person to be around and I didn't want to drag those around me down too. My brain told me that all of my nearest and dearest would be far better off and have an easier life if I wasn't in it. I would cry but not be able to explain why and would self sabotage at every opportunity. I eventually called the 0-19 health hub and expressed how I was feeling which led to referrals to specific services to support me with my mental health, a journey I feel i have only just scratched the surface of. I also reached out to Mother's Mind via Facebook and I don't think without their support that I would ever have believed I could smile or laugh again. Going to groups and bonding with other mums has helped to reassure me that people can enjoy my company and that I CAN look after my baby - parenting is just hard!

For anyone suffering with HG my advice would be tell people, tell the world, shout it from the rooftops- be heard.

Make your employer, your family, health professionals aware and do not try and put on the brave face. When people ask if you are ok, don't say yes! Unless we all begin to say out loud just how excruciatingly painful HG is, people will never gain

a full understanding of how debilitating it really is.

Women are so fantastically strong, warriors full to the brim of Girl Power! But for as long as we allow professionals to take advantage of our strength, they will never be forced into a space of having to really understand or acknowledge the pain and struggles we are facing. Don't give up, just keep shouting about it!

HG is NOT just morning sickness. Every pregnant woman does NOT experience this and it should NOT be ok for women to be left feeling so low during the most vulnerable time of their life. HG will affect me for the rest of my life and has impacted hugely on the beginning of life with my beautiful baby. I can only hope and pray that professionals take the time to educate themselves more so on the signs and symptoms of HG and to start treating mums with the empathy, empowerment and compassion that they so truly need and deserve.