I imagine the experience of being pregnant with an eating disorder is unique to each person, my experience, I feel is the opposite to what people would expect.
I have suffered with anorexia and body dysmorphia for 11 years, some of those years have been much healthier than others. During these years I have been pregnant 3 times and had a very similar experience with each pregnancy - relief. Relieved that I had a voice in my head telling me to do what is best for my unborn baby, telling me that starving myself wasn’t an option. Relieved to finally experience body confidence because I couldn’t label my body as fat - it was a beautiful pregnant body. Relieved that I didn’t have to suck my belly in anymore to look thinner, relieved that what the scales said didn’t really matter, to eat without thought or guilt, to look in the mirror and not see a body that I hated staring back at me.
"I’m trying to think differently, to thank my
body for creating 3 beautiful children."
In the last few weeks of each pregnancy the relief would start to fade and thoughts of my future body would start to flood in.
'How much weight had I gained?'..... 'Would my clothes fit?'...... 'How was I going to get back to a size 8?'
I knew that starving myself would become a viable option again. I would then start to cut back a little bit, start considering my choice in food, wondering if it would impact the baby now if I cut back a little. I’d start analysing where on my body I thought I’d gained weight and start making a mental plan of how I was going to lose the weight straight after the baby was born. It’s scary. It’s scary wondering if you’ll be able to quiet the loud voice of anorexia in your head. Scary wondering if your stomach is going to look any worse than it already did, will my boobs look worse, will I have more cellulite, will my partner still fancy me?
I found it hard to combat my own thoughts after my second pregnancy and reached out to Mother’s Mind who supported me immensely. I feel that I now have better coping mechanisms and can nip my thoughts in the bud . I’m currently 6 weeks postpartum and proud to say that I’ve had more good days than bad. I’m trying to think differently, to thank my body for creating 3 beautiful children. Seeing a change in my body is hard but I can’t keep hating myself, there is so much more to life than the way we look and my children show me that everyday.
"Your voice is bigger than the voice telling
you that you aren’t good enough. You are
enough exactly how you are."
I understand that this is not everyone’s experience of eating disorder during pregnancy but I wanted to be honest. I hope that another Mum may read this and feel less alone in her own thoughts.
Your voice is bigger than the voice telling you that you aren’t good enough. You are enough exactly how you are.