2 years ago, if you had told me I would be able to move on with my life, I wouldn’t believe you. I was in an excruciating state, consumed by trauma and all that comes with it. The anger, the upset, the fear and the pain. At my worst, I couldn’t get dressed, even simple functions were impossible, I couldn’t and didn’t want to get through the day. Weeks spent crying and hiding away, I didn’t recognise my own face. How could I ever carry this weight for the rest of my life? How could I ever think of anything else? Would I ever be able to live through one day without being reminded of what happened to me?
Triggers such as smells, sights of clinical uniforms, settings or driving near the hospital sent me into panic attacks, having flashbacks and replaying the events transported me back, leaving me vacant in the present.
How did I climb out from these depths? Well, firstly by talking, I talked to my health visitor, I braved talking to some family- I didn’t always have people that were understanding, and I luckily found Mother’s Mind, a whole network of people that blew me away with support, each time I talked through my story- said the difficult words that made me wince when spoken out aloud, a layer of pain was lifted.
Naturally, flashbacks and triggers can slow down, as I was lucky to receive some weeks of CBT, which started off very difficult and frustrating.
"Keep going and trust the process of therapies, because in exposure therapy, I battled my triggers and can now even watch and enjoy the tv show “Call the Midwife”.
My advise would be to reward yourself ALWAYS for facing your fears and overcoming a difficult situation or day, from attending an appointment, to just a generally sensitive day, take that hot bath, eat the chocolate, and even treat yourself to a new bra.
"As for my mind working against me by pelting thoughts and throwing things up walls, my mind was racing with intensity, in what felt like an unbreakable cycle, that I couldn't escape."
Find the outlet.......... I began running. No, I didn’t have the energy for it, and not always the time. And no I wasn’t good at first, but after the first few small jogs around the block, the feeling afterwards was rewarding in every way, and on a plus side to your legs hurting, you can’t think of anything else! In time I became good at this, and it’s something for me and it’s my identity, it makes me feel good about myself and it’s something good that came after. Even just being outside for a walk.
In the evenings, if I was lucky enough to make time for myself, I could pick up a book, listen to a podcast if my hands weren’t free or find an interesting programme- these small outlets may seem hopeless and pointless to suggest- but trust me when I tell you that binge watching the whole of Poldark got me through a terrible week. Learning and training my brain to switch the focus was key for me.
And finally, the actual closure, I had to really ask myself what it is that I needed to put the unhelpful bitterness I held to bed. Simply and bluntly, I wanted an apology and I wanted people involved in my experience to know what they had done. And I did that by making a complaint, I wanted to turn my story into a positive impact, and to continue talking to people- keeping myself out of isolation. My complaint led me to being asked to contribute to the Maternity and Neonatal Voices Partnership and through my contributions I found a sense of purpose and a drive to help others, in all honesty, I also felt some resistance- it is still hard, but allowing myself to ride the journey may wash me up to a place that I’ve always meant to be.
Do I still have bad days? ........honestly, yes!!!!! But I know that I can keep moving forwards (and backwards and that’s okay and also important!) A new me is growing, and a new you will too!
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