My career was replaced with Prenatal depression.

I am Nina, a 35 year old mother of 4 who is proud to be sharing my story for Perinatal Mental Health Awareness Week.

I fell pregnant with my 4th child in August 2019. This was a complete shock and was definitely not planned. Only a year previous I had graduated with a 1st class degree in Social Work after studying for my degree as a mature student. My focus was on my family and my new career which I had worked so hard to gain.

When I discovered I was pregnant it was complete shock and lots of questions were raised. How could we financially provide for another dependent? How would a new baby fit into our existing family dynamic and what would happen to my new career?

I decided to progress with the pregnancy but had multiple Health issues throughout, I felt like my body was failing me and saw it as a sign that I had made a mistake. My marriage was in turmoil and I felt isolated and extremely vulnerable.

I struggled to acknowledge my pregnancy and the impending arrival. I resented making adaptations to my life, which in previous pregnancies I had embraced. I can only describe that I was in a state of denial and fear.

It is only in hindsight and with subsequent knowledge I have acquired by accessing Mother's Mind that I now realise I was suffering from prenatal depression. This is something which I feel isn't highlighted enough and there is limited information for pregnant Mums.

My beautiful baby daughter was born in April 2020, two weeks after we had entered a National Lockdown. I had a planned caesarean with people saying that I'd be okay as I'd done it before and "at least it wasn't my first. I felt my fears and anxiety were not validated and I put on a brave face and got on with it.

I bonded with my daughter instantly, she was beautiful in every way. Breastfeeding came naturally and we attempted a new way of life in the isolation of lockdown. The first few weeks were euphoric, the sun was shining, my husband was on hand to help and we had no tedious demands of everyday life.

However, as the weeks and months went on and lockdown restrictions eased and some normality was returned I found it increasingly difficult to cope. I felt astoundingly suffocated, vulnerable and overwhelmed. I stopped all self care and could not see the point in getting dressed, showering or washing my hair. When my other 3 children were expected to return to school I suddenly became unable to leave the house. The all consuming panic physically stopped me.

I had never considered that I could have Postnatal depression. I was an experienced mum of 4, how could this happen to me? I was successfully breastfeeding and my baby thriving! I loved my daughter with everything in me but also deeply resented the pressure and overwhelming responsibility.

Eventually, I reached out to Sally from Mother's Mind. I had known her in an existing personal capacity but became aware of Mother's Mind. 

Sally came to my house and we talked about everything. My conflicting feelings of love and resentment. The utter suffocation I felt at every moment of every day and my diminished social confidence.

Sally supported me to come along to Mother's Mind, a relaxed peer support group where I was assured there would be other Mother's like me.

I collected every ounce of strength and attended. Sally and Michelle greeted me with warmth and care and for the first time in 6 months I was asked genuinely how I was, not my baby, but me! 

I continued to attend every Thursday and the group became my lifeline. I met other mums who were amazing and courageous and through Mother's Mind we were provided a safe space where we were felt secure enough to be honest about our painful realities.

Each week we would focus on our emotions as Mother's and how recovery wasn't a linear path but governed by many external factors. I was provided the opportunity to build support from peers which became an invaluable part of my recovery.

My autonomy and strength slowly returned and we shared our successes as a group. I had the opportunity to access services from the parent and baby unit in addition to my weekly Mother's Mind group.

For the first time I was able to not be confined my guilt and self loathing.

My beautiful daughter is now 4 years old and full of confidence and personality. 

I am now fortunate enough to work for a local charity where we work in partnership with Mother's Mind and have an emphasis on maternal mental health. 

Without the support of Mother's Mind and the service they provided I am not sure where my journey would have ended but I suspect it would not have had the outcome of today.

I am eternally grateful.