Around a week after my third baby’s birth, the hustle and bustle of visitors and appointments died down and my baby bubble burst. A huge wave of realisation hit me hard. I realised that I was struggling to process my birth experience. I wasn’t happy with how the birth went and knew that things could have been different.
My hopes and wishes of a positive and magical birth were in ruins and I felt robbed. I couldn’t accept my experience and I couldn’t move on. Me and my baby were physically well and recovered fast, but my mental wounds were getting bigger. I started having intense flashbacks,
I was triggered by images, smells, seeing people in medical uniforms sent me into sheer panic by unexpected things around me. I couldn’t stop replaying my experience over and over in my head, every second of every day. It consumed me. It stopped me from functioning and I began to shut down. A pinnacle moment in my illness was a morning that I sat on the edge of my bed staring into the wardrobe- I didn’t know how to dress myself or how I was going to get through the day. It was December, days until Christmas and I hid all of my feelings away and carried my family through Christmas wearing a mask of happiness- I could not spoil it for anyone. This was supposed to be the most memorable and magical Christmas of my life. How could it be so opposite? How could I be so ungrateful? I couldn’t see my future, living with the weight of this trauma and began to have suicidal thoughts I knew that I had to reach out for help. I started a course of CBT but months on I was still unwell and battling with my experience. My baby was growing and I seemed to be missing it all. I was still alone and isolated and continued to hide my sufferings away from everyone around me. Who would believe me? How do I explain? I found out about the group Mothers Mind. The group was held less than a 2 minute walk away from my home and I knew that I couldn’t keep myself locked away any longer. I will never forget the first time I entered the room, the first words that I heard were “I’m proud of you” and I breathed a breath of new air that day. I have never felt so safe and so genuinely cared about. I could finally open up and release the weight that had been burying me for so long. Being surrounded by this support, understanding, mutual feelings and not suffering alone has made my journey to recovery easier than anything ever could.
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